Itsuka
by Firemoon
Summary: -Because I know that people don¡¯t want to be alone in their lives sometimes. And I believe that all of them, everyone, finds someone, at the end.- Raven musing after The Nightmare. Future RavenxRhyss hinted. Slight Angst. R


**A/N:** Er, I fixed it up a little bit.. Thanks to all who reviewed. *grins*

**Disclaimer:** See my BIO.

**A/N:** There is NO PAIRING in this story. It could be classified as RavenxRhyss future pairing fic but currently I¡¯m not yet ready to write Het pairings. [Kraa: Yeah, and you¡¯re ready to write all those hentai-ish shounen-ai stuff..] Shut _up_, Kraa. Also, I must state that I have NOT finished watching the Guardian Force and so I really don¡¯t know what the characters say exactly. Forgive me if I get it wrong. I did not mean it.

This is Post-The Nightmare, The Attack of The Winged Dragons, and The Capital Collapses where Raven is in his old neglected house and musing. I set the timeline about a night after he got there – in my story, right after Shadow disappeared [possibly], Raven goes up to the balcony and that¡¯s where this all starts. 

**Category:** Angst/General

**Last-minute reminder:** Rhyss is NOT YET FIGHTING WITH VAN. THE FIGHT IS AFTER SHE TALKED TO RAVEN. [in this story, that is]

---

**Itsuka**

**By. Firemoon**

**---**

Shadow...

I never realized he meant so much to me.. until now.

...A bit to late, isn¡¯t it?

Although Prozen had so forcibly captured and dragged him to me, we... we understood each other. His Ancient Zoidian.. well, I don¡¯t know who he or she was, and probably never will. Besides, Shadow doesn¡¯t.. _didn¡¯t_ need anyone; only me.

It¡¯s the same for me – I don¡¯t need anyone. No one except Shadow, that is.

...But he¡¯s gone. Forever, just like that.

I can¡¯t believe that one of the last things I¡¯ve said to him was that of a harsh complaint. 

_What do you mean, there¡¯s no more to give? _

I hastily wipe the tears away; I seem to be doing that a lot these days. I¡¯ve never cried since Prozen took me in. He said that it was a sign of weakness, and I wasn¡¯t weak. I _couldn¡¯t_ be weak. And I believed it.

..Now, I¡¯m not so sure anymore. I¡¯m not so sure of anything. Everything I¡¯ve believed.. Everything I¡¯ve learned.. Everything I¡¯ve had...are falling apart. And the most frustrating thing is, I can¡¯t stop it from happening. I have to watch it all happening, feeling so helpless...and weak.

I¡¯m standing on the balcony where I used to watch stars with my father, leaning riskily on the partly-broken railing. 

..Stars are beautiful tonight.

I lean out as far as I dare, feeling refreshed as the cool night breeze lifts my hair. I haven¡¯t breathed the fresh air since the night before. I was in the room where my parents¡¯ study once was, just watching.. and thinking.

I just can¡¯t believe that.. that Shadow¡¯s gone. A flash, then...nothing. Gone. Just like that.

I look up, seeing the stars glittering in the blue-black sky.. so indifferent, so ignorant.. or is it innocent? 

...I wonder if some of them are the same stars I saw that night. How ironical if they really are the same.

I sigh, hearing footsteps. I know that footsteps anywhere. Such an annoying girl.

¡°..What do you want Rhyss? Came to gloat over me?¡± 

I turn my head to look at her; her clothes are changed. it¡¯s not the childish blue dress she always wore. She is wearing some sort of skintight blue thing, and I snort with mocking laughter.

¡°Ah, so it seems like our _dear ol¡¯ Hiltz_ has given you a uniform too. Wonder where all his taste in clothing comes from?¡± 

I know my voice is dripping with acid, and I turn my head towards the stars once more, feeling slightly better as I notice her flinch.

...I can still see her with the corner of my eye. I don¡¯t trust her to not to stab me in the back. For all I know, she could be here because Hiltz ordered her to _eliminate_ me. She seems hesitating; I wish she would go away and leave me alone. I¡¯ve got lots on my mind.

..No, just as I expected; instead of going away, she comes closer and leans cautiously on the railing not a meter away from me. After a short but heavy silence, I open my mouth, about to say something spiteful to chase her away. But it is her who speaks first.

¡°..Stars are beautiful tonight, aren¡¯t they?¡± 

I stop dead, and I look at her. She is silently regarding me with her haunting teal-green eyes. I find myself lost in them, so deep, so sad...they¡¯re just like mine. Every time I look at my own reflection, I see the same eyes, only that they¡¯re dark midnight-blue.

_Perhaps.. she¡¯s not very much different from me. She could be..._

I violently wrench myself out from the thought as a sudden thought struck me like lightning. _She _read_ my thoughts. She is not different from _them_. She is just.. _faking_ it._

That thought leaves bitter taste in my mouth like vile, and I silently ignore it and do not answer. She ignores my silent threat, and goes on talking.

¡°I used to watch stars before I met...before Hiltz found me.¡± 

She sighs. So strange, that sigh, coming out of _her_. I always thought she was just an emotionless doll; doing as she was bidden, no questions asked. But now...

¡°They were always so far away; I tried so hard to touch them, then I couldn¡¯t. I felt as if all the people in the world were like that.. _abandoning _me.

¡°That¡¯s when Hiltz came into the picture. He seemed...so confident, so.. _ambitious_. I suppose that¡¯s why I was drawn to him. I needed someone whom I can obey. I wasn¡¯t independent. I needed someone whom.. I can lean on, I guess.¡±

I was gazing at the stars the whole time, not really listening. The rage was seething inside me like magma, threatening to burst out. I don¡¯t know why I¡¯m so angry. It¡¯s just a mere girl, isn¡¯t it? Just a girl who might have been ordered to kill me.

But as I silently ponder over what she said, I feel the rage within me slowly cooling. I was like that...in a way. 

I had no-one when Prozen took me in. My parents had died, and so was Major Flyheight – Van would never know that I was one of the few to see him before he died – and here he was, ready to take me in, even if he regarded me as just a weapon for his evil ambitions. And the sad thing is, I let him.

I let him manipulate me, break me and make me into a tool he could use at his every whim, beck and call. Back then, I was under his order, and look what he did when I lost to Van. Nothing.

Oh well, I suppose I should forgive him now that he¡¯s dead, but...

..I¡¯m not a very forgiving person. It¡¯s not in my priority to forgive.

Then there was the ¡®Zombie¡¯ period. Four years. _Four_ long years of being imprisoned inside my own mind. Mindless wandering, and..

..Shadow.

He looked after me.

Four years.

And... I didn¡¯t even say anything. Nothing. No thank-you-s, no asking, nothing.

I glance down to my gloved hands, slowly moving my hand to tug the right-hand glove off. And there it is – my mark of glory.

The red scars look up at me, painfully obvious even in the dark and seemingly grinning maliciously. It never healed completely. I suppose it never will, and I don¡¯t think I would allow that to heal in any case. They were given to me by Van Flyheight, and I _will_ give the same to him.

¡°That¡¯s.. that¡¯s the scar Hiltz talked about, isn¡¯t it?¡±

I break away from my musing, cursing silently for letting her see it. Why does she have to be so sneaky? I fix her with a brief but hard glare, silently telling her to shut her mouth and mind her own business. 

She is not looking; pity. She could have taken fright and ran. Instead, she leans closer and slowly reaches her hand out. I grab her wrist with my other, unscarred hand, growling. I hate her being so close; then, when have I liked _anyone_ being close to me?

¡°What.do.you.think.you.are.doing?¡± 

I hiss out between gritted teeth. Then her unexpected reaction surprises me; her expression is that of hurt. I hesitate, then slowly let go of her wrist and don my glove again. She quickly rubs the area where I gripped, massaging it. Her face is hidden by the blue bangs and the dark shadows from the walls around.

¡°Why are you here, exactly? Has _he_ ordered you to come and get rid of me?¡± 

There is no answer. I ignore her for the moment as another vivid memory of Shadow suddenly flashes into my head. It is that of my bonding with Shadow. I remember the every last detail as if it were yesterday.

_We are camping out in the desert for the first time; I am inexperienced with lighting a fire, even with all those trainings. Real one is not the same with the practices._

_It is cold, even in my uniform that is supposed to keep the cold out. I curse Prozen for having given me the crap._

_Shadow is still uneasy around me, but I guess he found the fire rather fascinating. I must say it look fascinating to me too. The flame glows bright sapphire blue instead of orange or yellow, and flickers of green shows with every spark. Finally he comes lumbering out from behind the Zaber Fang where he was curled up, and he crouches down on the opposite side of the fire._

_I don¡¯t notice him at first; I am busy watching the stars. I don¡¯t know what they really mean to me, but the little twinkling light of the stars always gave me this calm but sad feeling that was rather soothing._

_I used to sneak out of my assigned quarters to sit on the rooftops to gaze at the stars, especially when the training got to the point where I couldn¡¯t bear the beatings anymore; it used to be once every one or two weeks, but it was nearly every day after I got Shadow. The trainings got _much_ harder after that. I used to wonder why every one of them was so different. The brightness, __colours__, positions...so different._

_..I was watching the stars when Shadow finally decided to talk to me._

_~Raven Nighteyes..~_

_I start and quickly turn my eyes to the black organoid who is silently regarding me with his deep and calm blue eyes. I know it¡¯s optic censors, but it seems so real sometimes; they seemed real to me just then._

_¡°..Are you..._talking_ to me?¡± _

_He gives a krr sound that oddly sounds to me like a sneer, and raised his head so I knew he was_ looking _at me._

_~Yes, Raven Nighteyes. I be talking to you.~_

_¡°But..¡±_

_I chock on my own words, too shocked. I finally manage to get out. _

_¡°But.. How? Why?¡±_

_~Patience, patience, Nighteyes.~ _

_Shadow growls lightly, his voice echoing solemnly inside my head._

_~I have been watching you.~_

_I¡¯m sure that my eyes are as round as saucers. _

_¡°..me?¡±_

_~Yes, Nighteyes.~ _

_He stretches lazily, reminding me of a cat that had gotten into the Prozen household a few years back. It was inside my room, stretched out in front of the fire. Prozen found out when a maid discovered it the next day, playing with me. It got chased out and I was punished heavily for not reporting it._

_~I have begotten to know you since you..._tamed_ me as the other humans named it.~ _

_His short chuckle-like growl escapes from deep within his throat and his eyes seems to be twinkling for the shortest second; or was it the fire?_

_~I begot to know your inner ego. Your..character, in human way of calling it.~_

_He turns his head, looking at the stars dotted on the black velvet sky as I was doing a few moments earlier._

_~You be cherish those...stars.~ _

_¡°..Yes.¡±_

_I rasp out, feeling suddenly foggy and tired as my brain strains to register all the things happening around me. With a start I realize that some of the thoughts and images are from the organoid who is now flicking his massive tail casually._

_~And the white-haired man.. Be he like the stars to you?~ _

_¡°You mean Prozen? _Hell_ no.¡±_

_I kick another log of wood into the fire. It¡¯s good that I had brought some extras just in case; I would have frozen to death by now. I open my mouth after a short while, a little unnerved by Shadow¡¯s unblinking gaze._

_¡°He¡¯s.. I¡¯m supposed to be grateful, you know. He took me in when he found me. I was apparently an orphan.¡± _

_~Be you not.. know?~ _

_¡°I don¡¯t know.¡± _

_I sigh, and momentarily shiver, wrapping my arms around me. It¡¯s too cold. Shadow does not answer. Instead, I suddenly realize that he is wrapping his fire-warmed metal casing around me. They are better than the fire which doesn¡¯t really help. I lean into him, feeling warmed as the casings envelope me._

_¡°..Thank you.¡± _

_He gives a short grunt of approval and I close my eyes._

¡°...en? Raven?¡±

I break away from the memory, slightly annoyed. 

¡°What?¡±

I think I said that more harshly that I intended. Rhyss recoils slightly, and that¡¯s when I realize that her stupid blue organoid isn¡¯t here.

¡°Where¡¯s your organoid? Thought I would be easy to handle now that...¡± 

I bite my lips as I hear my voice shake slightly, but it was too late. We both heard it. I quickly turn my head back towards the black, dark forest vastly spread out in front of us, a few fireflies dotting the darkness.

¡°Raven..¡± 

I flinch as her hand rests on my shoulder, but she does not move away. Instead, she goes on talking without giving me any chance to speak up.

¡°I know that... how you feel. I¡¯m not here because Hiltz sent me. I¡¯m not here to kill you.¡± 

By now, I have regained my voice to speak up.

¡°Then _why_ are you here? WHY? If you can¡¯t say anything then just... just go and leave me alone.¡±

Both of us can hear the bitterness in my tone, but she does not move. After a short silence where we gazed onto the forest, she speaks again, her voice not cold but warm and... human?

¡°Because I know that people don¡¯t want to be alone in their lives sometimes. And I believe that all of them, everyone, finds someone, at the end.¡±

Her hand rests on mine, warm even through the fabric of the glove. And this time, I don¡¯t slap it away.

..I might find someone. Someone who understands me. Someone.. I might find comfortable, and just look at the stars with, in a night like this.

..Someday.

---

Yay! Finally! Weeks of hard labour and slaving paid off! *dances around* [Kraa: WEEKS? This? *snorts* I can¡¯t believe I¡¯m wasting my time and energy on you.. *wanders off, its tail swishing lazily*]

Ha! YOU wasting your time on ME? Yeah, right. *mutters angrily* Stupid strip of dried meat.. *mutters* A muse.. a perfectly USELESS muse.. *mutters still*

-ENJOYED it? HATED it? Then simply CLICK the little button on the bottom left hand side of this screen and write a comment or two for me! Flames accepted, but only if you include a reasonable explanation as WHY you hated my fic. REASONS, you understand? REASONS! *waves her hand crazily* REVIEWS WELCOME!!!

**A/N**: Itsuka is Japanese for Someday or Sometime. 


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